Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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