Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
