Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
