Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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