put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
