uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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