i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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