are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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