So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
