We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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