The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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