I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
