just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
