you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
