so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
