i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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