So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
