I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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