i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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