The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
