I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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