omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
