He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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