He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
