I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
