I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
