I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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