just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
