goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
