Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
