Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
