I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
