I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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