At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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