I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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