Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
