Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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