Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
there's paper in my vomit.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
