I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
