My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
