So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
