I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish life had little blips of pornography
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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