I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
