Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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