the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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