If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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