just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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