Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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