Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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