my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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