She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
